Stylist needed IMMEDIATELY!!

'Here we go again' with a case where a stylist needs to be fired, and fired fast! So I'm watching the UNCF's tribute to Aretha Franklin on BET last night and talking to mommy on the phone. Before I get in front of the television, mommy's going on about Aretha's dress and how she doh understand what she's wearing. So being me, I try to look for a logical explanation...surely a designer must be paying her to wear it. I sit down in front of the tv and see the severity of the situation. I swear I had to do a double take because I thought I was seeing big bird with a new hair colour (read: feathers).
Now Aretha, 'no one could ever love you more' than I do, but babes which blasted 'chain of fools' did you hire to be your stylists? There 'ain't no way' they should've let you leave your dressing room looking like that. I mean I know it's your night, and you want to stand out, but come on! Who recruits these people that call themselves fashion stylists?

Anyway Lady Soul, no disrespect intended here... 'I say a little prayer' and hope that at the next awards/tribute show your outfit will be just as classy and timeless as you are. Now demand some 'respect' and get a new team! You do 'stand accused', that will be a fine for tiefing big birds' feathers and a referral list of new stylists.

Express Yourself

So I've just finished a phone conversation with someone that I hold very dear to my heart. During the conversation it hit me that I reaaaally don't express myself as well as I think I do. I mean, I have come a long way, I am alot better with saying what is on my mind, or should I say some of what's on my mind than I was a year ago. My lack of expression hit me when I said "as if you didn't know" to which they replied, no I didn't.
I've been more determined this past year to walk down the path of personal growth and I believe I am succeeding slowly, but surely...baby steps you know?

Anyway, among the many things that I'm working on, I have now added to the list that I need to try to express my feelings some more so that people are on the same page with me. Be patient with me, I am a work in constant progress.

Deal Breakers aka things that will get you NO PLAY; Volume 1

1. Turtle tendencies will get you nowhere. If you get a phone number from a purty lady, and two, maybe three weeks pass by and you haven't used it...lets just say that when you do decide to call she won't really want to talk to you

2. Dating aka seeing someone aka 'talking' in your mind counts for nothing. The other party should be privy to this information before you go around telling your peeps that the two of you are together

3. I know this is a sore topic, but how long does it REALLY take to get over an ex? I mean if it's a year later, you haven't spoken and she doh call, it's ova ova ova! What yuh waiting on padna?

4. Ok fellas there's nothing wrong with being in style and fashionable, but if you show up at my door and your pants are tighter than mine, or your eyebrows are more shapely...umm yea you can finish the rest. Penis printout is NOT cute, neither is pink patchwork on your jeans

5. Having no concept of when to use your inside voice is not attractive either. I mean if I'm right beside you and we're say, in the car at a stoplight, the person across the street shouldn't be looking around wondering if you're talking to him/her

6. When a woman is done she's done dammit! If you do something unforgivable (you hurt her or someone she cares for deeply etc.) don't be trying to get ANY play, move it along somewhere else playa!

7. Homie this isn't soul train, and besides you can't really dance anyway. If you see a group of ladies out dancing and having fun, trying to stick yourself up in the middle of their circle ain't cool. Take a hint when the circle keeps reforming with you on the outside facing someone's back

8. Don't tap me on my waist when you are finished dancing with me, that crap is so annoying!

9. ...and if I dance with you, don't follow me around for the rest of the night, damn!

10. And the same goes for you buying me a drink. Don't think that because you helped quench my thirst that I'm obligated to you for the rest of the night because you DON'T want me to go to the bathroom and pee that drink out and give it right back to you

11. My deal breaker is smoking. Don't even try with the breath mints and cologne because, yep you guess it...the deal is off!

12. An invite over to your place on the first date is cool, but doing your laundry, smoking a joint and falling asleep sure as hell is not!

That's it for now ladies and gents. I'll be back with volume 2 when I witness some more high class ridiculousness:)

**none of the above events have happened to me personally**

Do you have anything to add?

Sep. 29, 2005: BRAVE NEW WORLD

After years of agonizing over the thought of how painful the process must be, I finally decided that it is my turn to step up to the plate and get my first bikini wax. I figure I've discussed it in enough detail with many of Toronto's bravest so I'm expecting the worst pain I'll experience in life, next to childbirth of course.

Step one to being the soldier that I am, I call Cyprus Spa aka Canadian Aesthetic Acadamy(plug) and book my appointment. I'm feeling good, I can really do this (yes I AM trying to psyche myself up about it).

So now comes the day where the heavens will open and the angels will sing...YEA RIGHT, more like legs will open and I will bawl out for mercy! I must say I was quite shocked that I was as calm as I was with only the thought of what "good" panty I would put on that morning. Ladies don't front, you know you all got that lecture/speech from your mom and/or granny about wearing clean, fancy panties when you leave your house because you don't want to get caught wearing 'granny panties' God forbid anything should happen to you.

I get to the place and I'm seated in the waiting room. Enter Georgina, the undertaker, a very pretty woman with one of the most atrocious curly weaves I have ever seen. Those that know me well enough know I don't talk aobut people but it was reaaaaaaally baaad! I digress...so I walk into the aesthetic/cosmetic room and I'm told to undress my bottom half to my comfort level, off come the jeans and shoes.

Okay at this point my blood pressure is rising, my heart is racing and my PALMS ARE SWEATING! In all my 27 years of life this is the first time my palms have sweat so I KNOW I am scared nuh rass!!

G, the undertaker, comes over sanitizes the area of interest with alcohol swabs and dusts on some baby powder. Next comes the spreading of the warm wax...Lord father have mercy on my soul, I'm sorry for stealing the chocolate bar from the chinee man's store on Kingston road to prove I was cool...deep breath. Next is the cloth strip, and as I hold my crotch tight like I'm Michael's protegé...riiiiiip!!! OWWWWWWWWWW! ##@@!%$(^& YOU MOTHER FREAKIN SO AND SO!!
Actually because I imagined the worst pain known to no man, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but don't get me wrong it hurt like a biaaatch!!

So I held my undies to where I wanted the waxing done and G proceeds to say "maybe next time you'll be able to take them off" eeeeeerks! I don't dress in front of my mother trick so the panties stay ON! don't come with dem talks pleeez! I don't know you like that.

So the right side is done and I'm feeling big and bad, ready for the world! oh shoot, but wait, there's still another side to do...FRIGGIN' HELL! okay with left leg bent to the side and right leg straight I go through the same torture. Ten minutes after what felt like 40 days and 40 nights, it was all over. I Miss Amanda N____ C____ J____, had stepped into, and thank the Lord, out of the waxhood realm, a "brave new world". I can't lie the final result was worth it, so now I have to apologize to my 'advisors' for calling them heffas behind their back...I'm joking...I didn't do that, apologize to them I mean (joking).

Anyway, this was an experience to remember and I will grin and 'bare'(pun intended) it again. For those of you ladies who have reached the Brazilian waxing Queendom, more power to your asses because I AIN' IN DAT at all!!!

My 1st blog...high school diary entry

Ok I've been saying since I joined that I would start blogging and I been stickin' (translation for the non-Trinis: procrastinating) until now. I just read the funniest diary entry I think I have ever written from my high school days. I can't believe how ridiculous I was...I mean I really thought I had problems then lol. Read along and have a laugh, and yes I'm baiting myself out but meh nah cyaaaaaaaaare! it's hilarious!!!

February 22, 1994

Dear diary,

I don't know what to do! I want Lewel so badly, but the problem is I haven't met him yet. (LMAO ok i'm dying as I type this..ahem) I really want to get to know him! I mean I've only seen him about five times and I have dreams about him every night ( I sound like a stalker in training) It seems like I've known him for a while. I want to say I love him, but I can't because I don't even know him.(I needed one cuff lmao) I'm really confused about everything! I know that I stopped liking Jamal last year, but it seems like he cares now even though he would never admit it. Every time I look up at him, he's already staring at me and then we make eye contact (I'm talking bout some eye contaaact lol) for the longest time. I can't help thinking that I still love him but I'm not sure. At least I think I don't like him anymore. I'm totally and utterly confused!! Then there's Keith. I know I still have feelings for him but I would never have a chance, he's way out of my league. He probably wouldn't even think of looking at me twice let alone once ahhh help!!! (This shyte is freakin' hilarious!) I guess it's just that time in my life when I feel I have to have someone but who on earth would want me. (cry me a river!) I guess I just give up. There is no use trying. I give up on guys (gee that sounds familiar hahaha) and the whole bit.

Later!

Ohmifreakin' gosh! let me tell you how I laughed! Shoot if I can't laugh at myself life would kinda boring....and I thought those were real problems, who would've thought