Sep. 29, 2005: BRAVE NEW WORLD

After years of agonizing over the thought of how painful the process must be, I finally decided that it is my turn to step up to the plate and get my first bikini wax. I figure I've discussed it in enough detail with many of Toronto's bravest so I'm expecting the worst pain I'll experience in life, next to childbirth of course.

Step one to being the soldier that I am, I call Cyprus Spa aka Canadian Aesthetic Acadamy(plug) and book my appointment. I'm feeling good, I can really do this (yes I AM trying to psyche myself up about it).

So now comes the day where the heavens will open and the angels will sing...YEA RIGHT, more like legs will open and I will bawl out for mercy! I must say I was quite shocked that I was as calm as I was with only the thought of what "good" panty I would put on that morning. Ladies don't front, you know you all got that lecture/speech from your mom and/or granny about wearing clean, fancy panties when you leave your house because you don't want to get caught wearing 'granny panties' God forbid anything should happen to you.

I get to the place and I'm seated in the waiting room. Enter Georgina, the undertaker, a very pretty woman with one of the most atrocious curly weaves I have ever seen. Those that know me well enough know I don't talk aobut people but it was reaaaaaaally baaad! I digress...so I walk into the aesthetic/cosmetic room and I'm told to undress my bottom half to my comfort level, off come the jeans and shoes.

Okay at this point my blood pressure is rising, my heart is racing and my PALMS ARE SWEATING! In all my 27 years of life this is the first time my palms have sweat so I KNOW I am scared nuh rass!!

G, the undertaker, comes over sanitizes the area of interest with alcohol swabs and dusts on some baby powder. Next comes the spreading of the warm wax...Lord father have mercy on my soul, I'm sorry for stealing the chocolate bar from the chinee man's store on Kingston road to prove I was cool...deep breath. Next is the cloth strip, and as I hold my crotch tight like I'm Michael's protegé...riiiiiip!!! OWWWWWWWWWW! ##@@!%$(^& YOU MOTHER FREAKIN SO AND SO!!
Actually because I imagined the worst pain known to no man, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but don't get me wrong it hurt like a biaaatch!!

So I held my undies to where I wanted the waxing done and G proceeds to say "maybe next time you'll be able to take them off" eeeeeerks! I don't dress in front of my mother trick so the panties stay ON! don't come with dem talks pleeez! I don't know you like that.

So the right side is done and I'm feeling big and bad, ready for the world! oh shoot, but wait, there's still another side to do...FRIGGIN' HELL! okay with left leg bent to the side and right leg straight I go through the same torture. Ten minutes after what felt like 40 days and 40 nights, it was all over. I Miss Amanda N____ C____ J____, had stepped into, and thank the Lord, out of the waxhood realm, a "brave new world". I can't lie the final result was worth it, so now I have to apologize to my 'advisors' for calling them heffas behind their back...I'm joking...I didn't do that, apologize to them I mean (joking).

Anyway, this was an experience to remember and I will grin and 'bare'(pun intended) it again. For those of you ladies who have reached the Brazilian waxing Queendom, more power to your asses because I AIN' IN DAT at all!!!